All Figured Out

Today is my grandmother's birthday. I probably wouldn't even think about it that much, but since it's exactly a week after the date that she died, I do. I remember right after we found out that she had lung cancer I knew that I should ask her any questions that I wanted answers to. Her cancer came as a bit of a surprise. She had been having breathing issues, but had never smoked and everything had been leading to bronchitis. Needless to say, it wasn't easy from the time that we found out about her cancer until the time that she died. There were tests, procedures and surgeries and then we almost lost her once. From the time she was discharged after a surgical procedure until the time that she went back to the hospital to have her lung removed, she lived with my parents and my mom spent every minute just being with her.

That's when I really saw my mom as a daughter and not really just my mother.

Then fast forward to not that long ago and I really started to realize that my mom was just a person too and not just my mom. It took me many, many years to really see this!

And then of course, I started thinking more and more about how Maggie and Ellie will see me one day. I want them to know that they are a huge part of who I am, but there is also a part of me that's just a person. Right now, they both have certain things that they think only Mommy can do. As much as I like that, I know it won't last forever.

I have been trying to blog lately, but nothing would come out. I realized today that it's not because I have nothing to say, but because there's so much that I feel like I need to preserve in some way for them.

A little something I want to remember...
On Sunday afternoon Maggie asked me to spend time with her during rest time and after 15 minutes of "resting", I could tell that she didn't feel like napping. I got her up and we went to the grocery store together. She started asking about Aunt Clara, so we visited her grave at the cemetery. And after Ellie's nap, we went to visit "Grandma Louise" (I never called her this, but that's how Maggie refers to her since her middle name is Louise after Grandma) at her cemetery. Maggie and Ellie had way too much fun! I kept thinking about how happy they were just looking and smelling of all the flowers and visiting graves that had sat lonely for some time.

Seeing Maggie and Ellie at the cemetery being happy in stead of sad (like I usually am) was so refreshing. Maggie told Ellie that Grandma Louise was in Heaven and that she wasn't really there! (She doesn't understand that my grandfather died before I was born so I don't talk about him as much since I didn't know him.) She also asked about the "baby rock" beside of my grandparents' tombstone and was shocked to find out that my Grandma had a baby that was stillborn. She wanted me to tell her all about Baby Michael and she said he was probably "really cute and sweet".

I think we may go to the cemetery a little more often and we'll probably visit my paternal grandfather's grave next weekend.