It's now a little after 5:30 and I've been up for a while worrying and praying. The Muffin and I had a rough day yesterday and I'm once again wondering how I'll manage her and a newborn baby at the same time. I realize lots of people do it, but I never have. I also don't live beside of my parents or my husband's parents or have any family within about an hours drive. Once you add in the situation that Big Daddy and I are currently in, I feel like I'm the only person who has ever had to do this. Of course, I realize that I'm not and that my situation could be so much worse. I feel like everyone says "things will be fine" and "you'll manage" but, unless that someone has been in the same situation, I really don't find a lot of comfort in their words. I decided to make a list and just let it go. (This is sort of like when I send Big Daddy an email that's not so nice, I don't care if he reads it or responds, but I have to get it off my chest and imagine that he did in fact read it.)
So, after all of that rambling, here are some of my worries.
-The Muffin- I know that she is having a hard time without her Daddy and she doesn't understand what's going on. She had several tantrums yesterday and each one ended with us praying and her saying, "I just miss my Daddy".(I think she's manipulating me, but it doesn't really matter) She wants me to do fun things that my Ellie-Belly will not physically allow me to do. She's going to hopefully welcome a sister (or brother) and that will only complicate her complicated, little life. And yes, I know that children are resilient, but this is my Muffin. I taught preschool for forever and I know how hard changes like the ones that we're dealing with can be on toddlers.
-Big Daddy and I are under a lot of stress right now and we have been so ill with each other. We're not filing for divorce or anything, but it would be nice if things were better when we're together. I also want his job to go well, so that things will be a little easier for him.
-That whole labor and delivery thing. I hope that our Baby-to-be is born healthy and without any added drama. I've just decided to give the labor and delivery part over to God and go with the flow. I hope that the Baby-to-be comes at a time that's convenient for the people who are planning to be there. (I realize this is mostly out of my control!) I hope my sister can take off from work and that Cousin Callie will be out of school. I hope my mom will be able to come and wait in the waiting room with Maggie and Bubba and the other people that are approved to be at the hospital. I hope that Big Daddy will be there or I'm going to have a hard time birthing a baby and taking care of Muff at the same time. (Just kidding! I'll enlist the help of our friend, Linda or Gammy Gladys or our neighbors before I attempt to birth a baby and care for Muff at the same time.)
-I hope I'm able to breastfeed this time. This should probably be the least of my worries right now, but it's one of the things that made me feel so bad with The Muffin. I think I'm more prepared for how hard it can be and will be a little more relaxed about caring for a newborn on my own. Not having to wash and make bottles would also help with my next little worry. In the end, a happy, healthy baby that's not hungry is what I want.
-Who will wash dishes, prepare meals, clean house and wash, fold and put away the laundry?- I think the answer to this is clear...I will if I have time or it will just go undone for a while. Right now, Muff loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and corndogs. I usually feed her more nutritious foods, but she may be eating her "sometimes" foods a little more. She loved the veggie pasta with tomato sauce and creamed spinach I fixed her last night. It was an easy meal, so I'll try to remember that one too. Having the house on the market has totally changed my housekeeping style. I do more everyday so that the house pretty much always looks fresh and clean. It really takes very little time and effort, so I hope to keep this routine up. Once again, probably a crazy thing to worry about, but for me, a clean house is a much happier house.
-Post-Partum Depression- I'm about 99% sure I had PPD last time, but I never really talked about it or addressed it with my midwives. I finally came out of my fog when Muff was 5 months old and I joined the vasa previa email group. I had so many issues from The Muffin's birth that it almost drove me crazy. I felt like Big Daddy and I had pulled off the heist of a lifetime when we left he hospital with our little Muffin, still fresh from the oven. I had an unrealistic worry that "they" would take her away from me each time I took her to the pediatrician for a check-up. I always felt relieved that I'd managed to keep her again! I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was a genuine worry. This time, I'll be glad to ask my midwives for a little help if I think I need it and I'm already planning on talking to Peg about PPD at my next appointment. I'll also ask for help from those people who offer it if I need it.
-The House- I'd like for it to sell really soon so that we can just move on. I love our house, neighbors and neighborhood and it will be hard to leave, but we need this to happen.
Last, but not least...
-The Baby-to-be- I pray that she (or he) is born safely, healthy and at or very close to full term. I hope that this baby is easier to take care of than our sweet Muffin was. I hope that we're able to be the family that God wants us to be and raise this baby and The Muffin the right way.
I think that's all for now. I should feel better now, right?
I do.
3 comments:
Words I live by:
GOD WILL NOT PUT YOU THROUGH ANYTHING YOU CANNOT HANDLE. So, if you find yourself going through something you just don't think you can do, HE knows you can! I clung to that promise all through VP. You are right, it's hard to understand and say the right things unless you've been there. We share VP, miracle babies, our faith in God, LaLaLisa (!), Mommyhood, and I'm sure lots more! So, I hope you know that I care, and will pray for you as you go through the next few months, changes and all. From what I've grown to know, you are a strong person! Have a great Wednesday..I am jealous of the green grass...still brown and yucky here in Maine! But the temps are ever slowly rising, so there's hope! :)
When we were struggling with Andrew's reflux, I remember people saying "everything will be ok" and "it just takes time." Yeah, well, they weren't the ones being puked on and changing 53 diarrhea diapers a day either. Until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, you really don't know. We are pretty similar and even in our worry habits so I hope writing it down did help. Most times I just need to vent and feel better doing it. I will pray for your family. I remember how stressful it was for me during my pregnancy knowing we had two houses in our names. Exercise your faith and call on those you can.
For me, having a newborn and toddler was actually easier. The newborn kept my toddler so enraptured, she wanted to help, to snuggle with us both, etc. So perhaps it won't be so bad! I know- hard to know what to expect until you're in the situation.
*HUGS* Keep that chin up!
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